Anger

ANGER

     So, what has been happening since my last entry? I suppose the first thing to say is that things haven’t been easy. It has been a real struggle sometimes to understand the nature of some of the issues that have arisen let alone to know how to tackle them once realised.
    

     A main challenge for me has been that of becoming more familiar with my emotions. On one level we all experience differing emotions on a daily basis as we respond to the way we engage with the world around us. Events, relationships, circumstances we encounter all prompt feelings of happiness, regret, guilt, sadness, anger and so on. But on another level I am discovering that the religious suppression which went on through my childhood and into early adulthood served to restrict and distort my emotional development.

      This is a very complex area and it takes me all my time sometimes to get my head around it but I will do my best to convey something of what I am learning. It is important here, I feel, to be mindful of my earlier references to the concept of the wounded inner child. 

     As I grew up in a Christian fundamentalist environment my unique self was being constantly subjected to the insidious suppression of the system in which I was immersed. Always being reminded that my real self was sinful and that I must become something other in order to please God (and those around me) maintained a constant pressure on me to deny myself and to follow the teachings of those who thought they knew best. In my case, the consequence of this was that I grew up to become someone who did not really know himself as he should but instead had become a model of what his church (and his mother) expected of him. The quality of my self approval was measured by how much I came up to their mark - not by how much I felt essentially at one with myself.

     This heavy manipulation went on unnoticed. There was no one to point out the obvious – and even if there had been I was so deeply influenced by my environment that I would not have accepted their concerns - and so the brain washing continued. I knew nothing else until, when in my late twenties, something snapped - since which point I have gradually begun to see just how much damage had been inflicted.

     However, despite the relentless pressure to conform and to take my identity from another’s blue print my subconscious self managed to cling on but not without taking on board, in response to all the denial, the anger of one being spurned who only wanted to be loved and accepted for who he was. This deep seated, unconscious rage was further compounded by my belief that to be angry was sinful.

Such pent up rage has been with me all this time and is, I believe, responsible for the recurrent bouts of back-ache and the almost daily round of headaches that I experience - not to mention the frequent periods of insomnia (ref: John Sarno). To be intellectually aware of its likely presence is one thing but to then try to experience it emotionally has proved to be quite another. Often, when relating incidents from childhood which would make my listener(s) enraged I would experience a distinct shutting down of my emotions, feeling as though I were facing a solid wall of marble – hard, cold stone with no sense or flicker of life.

     When I was about three years old or so I was a little cheeky to my mum. Her response was to sit me on the sideboard and spoon a small amount of mustard onto my tongue. I recall anticipating something nice only to be shocked at the inevitable burning sensation that followed. Somewhere deep inside my inner child would have been enraged and would have learned from that experience that he could not trust the one he must love for the protection and love he needed to keep him safe. How confusing to my very early emotional development!

     Now when I relate that incident to others, they are often moved by the injustice of it but I have always just looked at them and wondered why, feeling very little other than that this was normal behaviour and that perhaps I was deserving of it. But as I type of it now something more is stirring and I find myself beginning to cry. This is the very first time I have become emotional over this particular incident from my past - I sincerely hope relating this through my blog is helping others as well as it appears now to be helping me.

     And so, for some considerable time I have been numb to my deeper emotions. In place of justifiable anger I have usually experienced a sense of indifference and sometimes mild sadness. Getting through this mountain has been very hard indeed but some progress is being made and things are beginning to shift in the right direction.

     I am advised that repressed rage can be so destructive if fully unleashed that the mind prevents its unbridled emergence for reasons of self preservation. Given this, an head on approach to dealing with it has not been possible for me but I have learned to recognised its presence in other areas of my emotions when, for example, I may become suddenly and disproportionately angry at relatively minor things like having to queue, yappy dogs, or at being physically restricted by a lack of space or time when trying to complete simple tasks. Occasions like these will set my anger off without much warning, a bit like the strong man hitting the bell with a huge hammer at the fairground – but in understanding that lying behind such over the top responses is my hidden rage then can I begin to familiarise myself with that rage and work with it.

     In coming to appreciate that my hidden anger can reveal itself in these ways (and others) and in associating it closely with my wounded inner child I have begun to create a dialogue through which the adult me can relate to my lonely, wounded self in ways that are designed to reassure and comfort and in so doing attempt to reduce the glow of the pain within.

     Often, the pain can be so intense that I loose sight of the plot. The anger can take away my ability to work with the process but when I have my wits about me and can be more objective then I find the defusing effects of the dialogue seem to open a way towards forgiveness and love. I know I still have a long way to go before love comes through in its fullness but something of its nature does seem to beckon from the distant horizon and this gives me hope.

     There is more to relate but time, as ever, does not allow just now. 

     However, I would very much love to hear from others out there who are struggling with similar issues. Anonymity is not a problem for me and confidentiality is certainly assured. I can be contacted at the following e-mail address: returntothecentre@gmail.com or through the pages of this blog site.

     I really hope to hear from you

     Namaste, RTC  

- ! - ! - ! -